


mixed up, muddled up, shook up world

by injerannie94



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Biker Kili, But secrets, Deep love, M/M, badass kili, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 04:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14804771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/injerannie94/pseuds/injerannie94
Summary: Gorgeous golden Fili and dark, smouldering Kili are It – they party hard and play hard. Theirs is a love that is fierce and defies all competition and is unashamed in its veracity. But Fili has a dark secret that he barely admits to himself – what might happen if it all comes tumbling out?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> summaries = not my strong point... 
> 
> this is a little thing that came into my mind - i had a *vision* of one of the scenes in this story, and ended up actually writing it. and it surprised me, for many reasons: because my muse has been evasive recently, i have plenty of other stories i need to update (with writers block on them, obviously), a heck of a lot of stuff going on outside the cosy world of writng. furthermore i actually have very little first hand experience of the subject matter of this story itself. so i hope you enjoy it, and if anyone has any comments on how I treated the subject matter, please let me know, I'd be very interested to discuss it.
> 
> another thing - i realised i've written quite a few stories now, quite a few imaginations of these two, but i have never really done a super-strong (maybe masculine?) Kili. in most my stories, its been Kili who has been the more vulnerable one - so I'm intrigued to explore this black-haired badass Kili who has suddenly caught my attention :) 
> 
> more tags/characters to come as the story goes - but gonna leave things a little mysterious for chapter 1 (although there's a clue in the title)... let's see what you guys think at the end ;)
> 
> kudos/feedback/comments/guesses/reflections/suggestions/muse-offerings all welcome!

Fili opened his eyes and saw sky.

  
He blinked, and trees came into focus, clouds and leaves.

 

He sat up and heard a mumbling sigh next to him. He looked down at Kili. 

 

“Where are we?” Fili asked.

 

“Don’t know. Outside.” Kili groaned as he twitched his fingers, blood flooding back to them now that Fili’s head was no longer pillowed on his arm.

 

Fili blinked and as his eyes got used to the light and surveyed his surroundings. They were by the swimming pool, not far from one of the big trees fringing it, partially concealing the neatly-trimmed lawns and shrugs of the grounds beyond. There were pool noodles scattered around.“I guess we slept out here.”

 

“Maybe.” Kili sat up and rubbed his eyes, smearing the already smudged eyeliner even more. He brushed some dirt off his black tshirt chest. “What a night.”

 

“Yeah.” Fili tried to remember last night – the flashes he could remember were of dancing, drinking, making out with Kili wildly in the darkness of the trees before falling down under the stars. Then he’d woken up.

 

“You were pretty smashed last night, babe.” Fili glanced at Kili again and saw he was smiling.

 

“I’m coming to realise,” Fili said dryly and Kili chuckled fondly.

 

“I’d feel as shit as you do if I hadn’t drank a pint of water before falling asleep,” Kili said.

 

“I wish I hadn’t poured mine all over the ground when you gave it to me,” Fili remembered.

 

Kili laughed again. “You’re not good at listening to what’s good for you when you’ve had a few.” He stretched and a few joints cracked. “Speaking of water. I think it’s trying to escape.”

 

“Let’s go then.”

 

Fili leaned own to help Kili stand up. He picked up his leather jacket from the ground where they had been lying on it and they headed back to the colossal house.

 

They didn’t see anyone else, suggesting everyone was still sleeping, or had gone home the night before. In the luxurious guest bathroom on the ground floor, Fili tried to wipe away some of mess of eyeliner on his face and rinsed his mouth with some Listerine he found in a cupboard as Kili relieved himself. As they opened the door, they saw Gimli stumbling down the stairs, looking almost as bleary-eyed as Fili felt.

 

“Hullo there, Gimli,” Kili said with false brighteness. Gimli started and looked at them as if he was having difficulty seeing them.

 

“Morn’n,” he slurred.

 

“Where’s Legs?”

 

“’Sleep,” he mumbled. “Just going to get some water.”

 

“And Tauriel?”

 

“’Sleep too.” He blinked a few more times and Fili strongly suspected that he was still drunk. Kili slid an arm around Fili’s shoulders.

 

“Can you let them know we’re going? And tell them thanks for the party.”

 

“Sure,” Gimli slurred, flapping a hand in an attempt at a goodbye wave. “Yous can let yourselves out, yeah?”

 

“Of course. Enjoy the hangover,” Kili called as they headed out of the front door at Gimli’s retreating back as he headed toward the marbled kitchen.

 

Fili and Kili crunched across the gravel to the open garage, past the line of BMWs and Mercedes to where Kili’s black **Ducati** was parked. Kili picked up the two black helmets and held one out to Fili. Fili took it but frowned as he reached to pull it onto his head, rubbing a lock of hair between his fingers.

 

“Why is my hair all crispy?”

 

Kili chuckled. “Must be the chlorine. You jumped in the pool. Remember that?”

 

Fili screwed up his face as he concentrated. “Oh yeah, I remember.”

 

“I almost jumped in after you to save you but I had to stop Tauriel going in.”

 

“You should have come in, it was fun,” Fili told him.

 

“You and Gimli were pretending to be water nymphs in there. It wasn’t pretty.”

 

Fili scowled and Kili laughed. “You don’t love me,” he told him with mock petulance.

 

“On the contrary.” Kili leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Fili’s lips. “Morning.”

 

“Morning.” Fili couldn’t help his smile, but fought to scowl again. “You should have had some of that Listerine.”

 

Kili threw back his head and laughed. He swung a leg over the bike and flipped his visor down. “Get on the bike.”

 

Fili clipped his helmet onto his head and slid on behind Kili. The engine roared, and spat up gravel that spattered over Thranduil’s silver Benz as they sped away.

 

“The only problem with Tauriel and Legolas’ house is that it’s too far away,” Fili complained, his chest flush against Kili’s back, speaking extra loud to make sure Kili could hear him.

 

“But they throw a great party,” Kili replied, voice slightly muffled by his helmet. “It’s good of them to have so many people over. They’ve got a great place.” He slowed and stopped for a traffic light.

 

“Their rich dad’s place,” Fili corrected. “And it’s easy to have parties like that when you’ve got servants to clean it all up in the morning.”

 

“Someone’s grumpy this morning,” Kili teased, twisting his head and Fili could see the amusement glittering in his dark eyes behind his visor. “Think you’re feeling some of the post-party blues.”

 

“No,” Fili groused. “I’m just hungry.”

 

“Why didn’t you say so.”

 

The light turned green and Kili did a u-ie in the middle of the road, making a beeline for Fili’s favourite café, dragging a laughing Fili inside.

 

“God that feels good,” Fili moaned over the first sip of his latte.

 

“Amen,” Kili sighed, inhaling the aroma of his black americano before copying Kili in taking a sip. “Better now?” Kili enquired.

 

Fili smiled over his mug. “Heaps.”

 

Full of coffee, bacon, eggs and toast half an hour later, the two of them headed home for a second time.

 

“Breakfast was good, but I still think I need to sleep for a week,” Fili admitted with a yawn, closing the door behind them.

 

“Me too,” Kili yawned, flopping down backwards onto the sofa. “Except I’ve got to go into work at some point. Thorin wants a meeting.”

 

“Lucky you,” Fili hummed, leaning against the doorpost and grinning at Kili, who was rubbing his eyes with one hand and fumbling on the arm of the sofa behind his head with the other.

 

“Have you seen the – oh sod it,” Kili swore as the TV remote he’d been fumbling for tumbled off the arm of the sofa and clattered onto the floor. Fili snickered as Kili rolled onto all fours on the floor, fumbling around underneath the sofa to retrieve it.

 

“Bloody thing,” he muttered darkly, getting down onto all fours. “Disgusting down here, full of dust bunnies.”

 

“Not my fault you always accidentally-on-purpose miss your turn on the hoovering rota,” Fili reprimanded supersciliously.

 

“Maybe,” Kili admitted sheepishly, still rustling around. “Jesus – where is the bloody thing? And – huh?”

 

Kili straightened up, sitting on his haunches and looking down at something in his hand. He held it up for Fili to see – a bottle of purple nail varnish.

 

“What’s this?”

 

Fili’s heart stuttered before starting to pump at twice its usual speed. He forced himself to laugh and shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s Tauriel’s.”

 

“When would she have painted her nails here?” Kili mused, turning the bottle over in his hands.

 

“How should I know? It could have belonged to the previous tenants, might have been here for ages.”

 

“True,” Kili accepted. He dropped the bottle onto the coffee table and continued his rustling. “Aha, gotcha ya bastard!” he said triumphantly, holding the remote aloft. He flopped back onto the sofa and started zipping through channels.

 

Fili let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding.

 

That had been close.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Fili didn’t always know what he did was unusual. He had dressed up in his mothers’ clothes as a kid with his sister, and knew other kids had done the same. He’d stopped of course by the time he was in his teens, but he still sometimes sneaked into his mother’s wardrobe and slid his fast-growing feet into her high-heeled shoes, feeling the warmth of nostalgia.

 

But he’d still been curious, even then – at twelve he’d bought his first lipstick, telling the clerk it was for his mother. Then another. And another. But he thought the shop staff had gotten suspicious after they saw him testing out colours on his wrist, the way he’d seen other ladies do. He started stealing them after that, and the occasional nail polish too, to save him the embarrassment of coming up with an excuse.

 

That was the part of his habit he’d felt worst about. The guilt of stealing made him throw them away by the time he hit his mid-teens, and he didn’t think about any of it again for years, all through his exams and until he finished school.

 

It was at uni when those thoughts returned– at that point, dress-up was back, fancy-dress parties and theme nights out and cross dressing on socials with his football team. It had been fun, getting together an hour before to put together their outfits and have some beers before hitting the town. The rest of his team had laughingly dubbed him their makeup artist after seeing he actually had a bit of a talent for it. He started to realise that maybe he liked those dress-up nights more than the other guys did, but didn’t think too much more of it. He felt a furtive thrill, mixed with a strange fear, at taking advantage of every opportunity to dress up as a woman as he could. He needn’t have worried, as none of them seemed to suspect anything.

 

Fili had held his secret for a long time. It wasn’t an obsession, just an itch he needed to scratch occasionally when he was alone. He shaved his legs too, but had stopped doing that once he’d started seeing Kili. It had been Kili who’d given him the confidence to wear eyeliner out, as he’d never dreamed of doing before. From the first second Fili saw him he knew he was hooked, the tall dark guy with the eyebrow piercing in the black leather jacket, smouldering bottomless eyes ringed by black khol – he was haughty, he was dangerous, and he was _beautiful_.

 

He’d chipped away to know Kili, find out about his life, his family, his dreams underneath the badass masculine exterior. As he’d gotten to know Kili better, he started to see his vulnerabilities, his soft, caring side beneath the protective, defensive facade, and fallen in love with him even more.

 

And for some reason, Kili loved him too. Now they wore their leather jackets together to parties, the stud in Kili’s eyebrow glinting in tandem with Fili’s nose-ring and Fili knew, with a searing satisfaction, that other people were envious as they looked at them – they were young and hot and beautiful, they played hard, they partied hard and they kissed hard. (And as people guessed, they fucked even harder).

 

It made Fili laugh to know the secretly domestic side of Kili, the one other people didn’t dream Kili could possibly have, the one that would fuss if the washing up wasn’t done and would make Fili hot chocolate on rainy afternoons.

 

Kili was unashamedly himself, always, unapologetic for anything he may have been or done or said – Fili loved him for it. And that was how Fili knew that although Kili may have looked androgynous sometimes, eyeliner was the furthest he went. Fili half envied Kili his confidence, and knew he would never have the guts to _own_ his dark little secret the way Kili would have done if it had been him in Fili’s situation. But he didn’t linger on that – he didn’t _need_ to 'come out of the closet' about this. It was just a little kink, something idiosyncratic and personal. He had it under control.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll reiterate, this is new territory for me, so this was quite exploratory and interesting to write! this chapter was originally part of the first chapter, but idk something made me move it to a chapter of its own. maybe its more confusing that way? 
> 
> thanks to all for the kudos/comments so far, as always they are hugely appreciated and welcomed! :)


	3. Chapter 3

Fili woke with a start and found himself on the sofa. He sat up groggily and the thick blanket fell off his shoulders - the last thing he remembered was curling up in front of Kili to watch some crappy rerun of _Come Dine with Me._ Which had apparently been so boring it had put him to sleep – it was either that, or the residual alcohol in his system.

 

“How you feeling?” Kili had just walked into the room, carrying two mugs of tea. “I was just about to wake you.”

 

“Better,” Fili yawned, smiling his thanks as Kili handed him a mug. He took a sip, eyeing Kili’s jacket. “You off then?”

 

“Yep.” Kili downed his tea and dropped the mug back on the coffee table. Fili shook his head.

 

“I still don’t know how you do that. It’s not normal.”

 

Kili waggled his eyebrows. “Aspestos throat, baby.” He leaned down and dropped a kiss onto Fili’s head. “See you later.”

 

“Bye.”

 

Fili settled back on the sofa with his cup of tea and returning his gaze to the telly. _Come Dine With Me_ had somehow morphed into some other meaningless cooking show, the overeager guest chef enthusiastically explaining the correct way to crack an egg. As if that was the hardest part of cooking.

 

Fili watched it, sipping his tea, for a while, until he lifted the mug to his lips and the last drops of hot liquid slid down his throat. He put the mug slowly onto the coffee table and stretched slowly.

 

He was home. Alone.

 

He could _scratch_ , if he wanted…

 

Fili switched the TV off and went upstairs, feeling the budding warm thrill in his chest growing with every step he took. He headed straight for the bathroom, pulling off and dropping his tshirt onto his and Kili’s bed as he passed.

 

He picked up the bar of floral soap at the sink they normally used for their hands, and took a long and luxurious shower, ignoring the Axe Africa shower gel. After he showered, he wrapped a towel around his waist and stood in front of the foggy mirror, wiping a patch clear of condensation.

 

He splashed his face and shaved, careful to get as close a shave as he could without cutting himself. He wiped his face dry and tested, dragging one knuckle lightly against a smooth cheek, and saw the corners of his mouth quirk upwards in the mirror.

 

He towelled himself dry and shucked off his towel, standing naked for a moment with is eyes closed, before pulling out a bottle of moisturiser from the bedside table. He poured a dollop into his cupped hand, sweeping it over his legs and massaging it into his skin. He rubbed it into his shoulders and his neck, before putting it back and walking to his chest of drawers.

 

He opened the bottom drawer and reached towards a pile of Playboy magaziness. He kept them there because he knew Kili would never touch them – Fili was bi, but Kili had always told him he was straight-up gay. No interest in women whatsoever. Kili didn’t begrudge him the magazines, just shook his head amusedly and asked him how he could find those curves and soft jawlines and fleshy bits attractive. Fili stuck his tongue out but was glad for the cover, as Kili didn’t know the mags were hiding something. Fili lifted the stack and pulled out a box from underneath it.

 

He carried it into the bathroom, where he set it down and picked up a hairbrush. He brushed his hair, let the long wavy strands unfurl and cascade down to his shoulders – he rarely wore it down, but normally had it held back in a haphazard bun or pony to keep it out of his face. He didn’t mind – only letting his hair down when he was alone was part of what made these times special.

 

Fili turned his attention again to the box and opened it. He pulled out a tub of face cream, inhaling the sweet jasmine scent of it before dipping his fingers into it and deftly applying it to his face, smoothing it over his forehead and cheeks. He fondled his lipsticks, trying to choose – the original ones he’d had were all gone of course, he’d thrown them away when he was thirteen and had decided he’d had enough of stealing and sneaking around. He settled on a dark but vibrant red.

 

He pulled out a bottle of foundation and brushed it onto his face, concealing the last trace of his stubble. He outlined his eyes with khol, slicking a line over his lids as close as he could to the lashes as possible before swamping them with mascara. Now for his favourite part – following the trace of his lips with the velvet ruby stick, the barest movement of lips against eachother as they rubbed gently, and Fili barely recognised himself in the mirror.

 

He carefully put the box back before opening another drawer and pulling out from beneath his winter jumpers – a dress. It was made of several layers of gossamer-like fabric with a pink and red flower pattern, and was light and flowy, with a low, wide neckline and short sleeves. He had come across it in a charity shop, the woman laughingly pointing to the changing booth in the corner when she came across him staring at it.

 

“No need to explain, we get lots of people looking for fancy dress in here!”

 

Slipping it over his head, Fili remembered why he’d liked it so much when he’d first felt the fabric touch his skin – it was so light he felt weightless, as if he wasn’t wearing anything at all. The skirt swished around his legs, barely gracing his knees as it fluttered over them, and Fili couldn’t help putting a swing in his hips as he sashayed around the room.

 

And onto his final treasure – the high heels hiding in a shoebox underneath his chest of drawers, the only pair Fili owned, as more than one a pair of size 44 high heeled shoes was something he felt he truly could not explain away if they were ever found. They were high, but not unwalkable, being wedges, and Fili marvelled at how they made his legs look in the wardrobe full-length mirror – they had been another charity shop buy. Fili could only pity the giantess who must have sadly put these in a plastic bag and driven them down the local Oxfam, realising she could never wear them without the embarrassment of towering over her fellow members of the female sex and even other prospective male-mates, but couldn’t help feeling tremendously lucky and happy every time he slid them on, loving the feeling of sleek black suede against his toes.

 

Fili twirled, delighting in the new balance of his feet, the lightness around his legs, the fluttering sleeves against his upper arms. Then he put on some music, and danced.

 

He danced to a bit of everything, some classics and 80s rock, some upbeat salsa, and some of the old Beatles tracks Kili had put on his iPod months ago.

 

Dancing was thirsty work. Fili paused at the end of the next track, taking in his flushed cheeks and slightly heaving chest in the full-length mirror. He paused the music and headed downstairs to the kitchen.

 

The sound of keys in the door made Fili jump halfway down the hall, and he spun around just as the front door opened.

 

Kili stared, wide-eyed. Fili was rooted to the spot. Kili’s eyes, wide as saucers, took in Fili, his shoes, his face, his dress.

 

“I thought you were at work,” Fili blurted.

 

“It was just a quick meeting. Then I went – shopping,” Kili said quietly. Fili noticed the white supermarket bags next to the front door.

 

Fili’s eyes filled with tears, blurring his vision and he started to shake. He’d done it now. Blown his cover. And he couldn’t have been discovered in a worse position – what would Kili think of him, pitiful, pathetic, sneaking around behind his back, like a pervert with a secret. And Fili knew he _wasn’t_ a pervert – even if he didn’t know what he _was_. Fili’s throat dredged up an involuntary whimper, and his hands leapt to his mouth in an effort to strangle the sound, the first few tears falling out of his flooded eyes and tumbling down his cheeks.

 

But Kili let out a low cry of his own and in two strides was in front him. Fili squeezed his eyes shut to not to have to look at him as Kili placed his hands on Fili’s shoulders and peered down into his face.

 

“Fili, baby.”

 

Fili could barely stifle another sob as it rose in his chest, squeezing his hands tighter over his mouth. And suddenly strong hands were pulling at his wrists, a warm mouth was against his own as arms were around him, hands stroking at first curiously, and seconds later coursing with lust over his entire body as Kili’s lips devoured his own. Fili was too shocked to do anything but to kiss back, feeling the sting of mascara in his eyes from his tear-soaked eyelashes, and feeling the bizarre sensation that he and Kili were almost level in height all of a sudden, where he’d normally been several inches shorter. He tentatively put his arms around Kili’s neck, and clung on as Kili growled, feeling the noise shoot straight to his loins even as Kili’s hands palmed his thighs underneath the skirt.

 

Kili growled, this time Fili’s name, and placed an open mouthed kiss on his neck before sinking to his knees. Fili gasped, and dug his fingers into Kili’s hair as Kili put his head underneath Fili’s skirt.

 

“No – n-no, Kili, don’t –“

 

But Fili couldn’t finish his sentence as a hot warm tongue lapped over the tip of his hardening cock and a hot mouth enveloped him. All Fili could do was gasp as he stood there, legs apart, fingers buried in Kili’s hair as Kili sucked and swallowed around him, tongue playing a vicious pleasure game in all the places he knew Fili liked, as Fili cried out and whimpered.

 

Kili pulled off him, and Fili barely had time for a soft moan before Kili’s arms were around him in a vice like grip, hoisting him up so Fili could wrap his legs around Kili’s waist, and Kili made for the stairs. It wasn’t an easy climb, Fili may have been short but he was still heavy, and Kili was trying his best not to break lip contact all the way up the stairs and Fili was pulling the shoulders of Kili’s jacket down to his elbows, willing it to come off.

 

Kili dropped Fili on the bed and wrestled off his jacket before climbing on after him, covering his body and kissing him deeply again. Fili pulled at Kili’s tshirt, and Kili broke contact just long enough to sit up and yank it off and grab a tube of lube from the bedside drawer. He leaned over Fili again, peppering his neck in heated kisses and whispered, “Can I top?”

 

In answer, Fili pushed Kili onto his back and straddled him, in the position Kili knew he liked to be stretched. Kili groaned and started slicking his fingers as Fili yanked the dress over his head, and pulled at Kili’s jeans until they too were off, and Kili’s hard cock sprang free.

 

Fili sat again over Kili’s lap. Kili circled his wet finger around Fili’s hole, enjoying the tension for a few seconds before sliding a finger easily into his tight heat. Fili groaned and Kili crashed their mouths together, tongues dancing as Kili worked up to two, three fingers, then Fili recognised the familiar blunt head against his entrance and sank down onto it with a groan.

 

“Fuck babe,” Kili moaned, eyes boring into Filis as Fili started riding him, hard, fast. He reached up to cup his cheeks, sliding his hands to the back of Fili’s neck “Fuck babe. _Fuck_.”

 

Fili was conscious of Kili’s fingers buried in his still-loose hair, that his face must look a mess of mascara and khol, and he saw his own lipstick smeared on and around Kili’s mouth, as if Kili’s open mouth needed to look any more erotic, open as it was in an ‘o’ of ecstasy as he rode him. He rode him harder, his hole stretched to accommodate Kili’s full length and width and Kili moaned, upending more lube into his hand and wrapping a hand around Fili’s length too.

 

Fili gasped and Kili buried his hands deeper into Fili’s hair, and Fili stared into his eyes as Kili whispered, “Come for me, baby. You’re so beautiful. Come.”

 

Fili came, with a loud cry, and Kili came too, gasping as white spatters painted his chest, and Fili felt the pulsing of Kili’s cock emptied deep inside him.

 

Fili leaned his hands against the wall behind Kili’s head, breathing heavily, and Kili wrapped his arms around him tightly. They stayed like that for a few minutes, before Kili shifted, sliding out of Fili gently and shuffling down the bed so they could lie down. Fili followed his lead, hanging his feet surreptitiously off the bed to kick off his shoes, which he only just realised he was still wearing, and pillowing his head on Kili’s shoulder. The clunk of the shoes hitting the floor reminded him of what had really just happened, before they were swept away in a sudden incomprehensible lust, and Fili felt a tightness in his chest. He felt very small. He glanced up at Kili, but saw that Kili had his eyes closed, although he knew from his breathing that he wasn’t sleeping. Kili reached out a hand and started carding through Fili’s hair, comfortingly, soothingly, and Fili fought the urge to close his own eyes.

 

“Sleep,” Kili whispered, and Fili gave in to his fluttering eyelids and let sleep overtake him.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seemed to be game over at last. But Fili couldn’t help the little twinge of relief inside him that said "you have nothing to hide anymore."

Fili woke up from his second nap of the day to the feeling of Kili shifting underneath him. He felt Kili gently lifting Fili’s shoulders as he sat up, pulling him closer so Fili’s head was pillowed in his lap. Fili kept his eyes closed, resisting the urge to reposition himself a tiny bit to make himself a little more comfortable. He could dimly sense Kili moving his hands, heard the bedside table drawer sliding open, and soon the smell of tobacco filtered into Fili’s nostrils. Fili tried to keep his breathing even.

 

Kili started carding his fingers through Fili’s hair. Fili almost hummed in contentment, warm and cosy as he was.

 

“You’re cute when you’re pretending to be asleep, but don’t think you’re fooling anyone.”

 

Game over. Fili quit the pretence and sat up, blinking as the late afternoon light shocked his retinas. Kili raised an arm and Fili leaned into his side, holding out a hand wordlessly for the cigarette. Kili handed it over.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Fili shrugged, putting the cigarette between his lips and watching the tip glow orange as he took a pull. The burn of too many cigarettes last night made itself known in the back of his throat and he swallowed the sting, needing the calm of nicotine.

 

“You’re cross-eyed,” Kili said, a smile in his voice. Fili couldn’t help but grin as he handed the cigarette back, seeing the teasing look on Kili’s face.

 

“Better hope the wind doesn’t change.”

 

“Hell yeah. Wouldn’t want my pretty boyfriend to have cross-eyes forever.”

 

Fili laughed.

 

“My pretty boyfriend who didn’t tell me something,” Kili said quietly after a moments pause.

 

Fili twisted his lips. There seemed no escaping it.

 

He could pretend it was a one-off? That he was just testing an outfit for their next fancy-dress party? No, Kili would never buy it the way he’d had a melt-down as soon as Kili walked in the door. Besides, his outfit hadn’t been outlandish and garish enough to pretend it was a drag outfit for fancy-dress.

 

He could blow it off – say it was nothing and refuse to say any more. Kili had asked if he wanted to talk about it after all, he hadn’t asked him a direct question. But Fili trusted Kili. How many times had he thought about telling Kili, always brushing it off in the end, deciding it wasn’t important enough to mention.

 

It seemed to be game over at last. But Fili couldn’t help the little twinge of relief inside him that said _you have nothing to hide anymore_.

 

“You saw,” Fili mumbled eventually, to avoid himself having to provide an explanation - even if he was relieved to finally have his secret in the open, it was still awkward.

 

Kili looked at him serenely, face unreadable as he waited for him to go on. Fili didn’t. They looked at eachother in silence for what felt like a long while.

 

“You don’t seem that surprised,” Fili said baldly. It was Kili’s turn to look awkward, glancing down at the still-glowing cigarette in his right hand.

 

“I guess I – may have suspected something.”

 

Fili froze. “What? How?”

 

Kili took another drag on the cigarette, smoke pouring out of his mouth as he mumbled, “I looked – once – under those magazines in your drawer. You’re always saying you’re bi and if you haven’t tried it, how do you know you don’t like it…”

 

“About _food!_ ” Fili interjected. Kili ignored him and went on.

 

“So one time when you were out, I had a look at those magazines to try and see what the big deal was. And for the record, I still don’t see it, I tried but I just don’t get it, not for me. But when I went to put them back I felt something underneath. A box. I thought it was something else, more dirty mags or something but - I think you know what’s in it,” he finished.

 

Fili’s face felt like it was on fire.

 

“I would never say that about sexuality,” Fili muttered randomly. “I say it about food, cos you can be a bloody picky eater sometimes, but I wouldn’t say that about your sexuality, or anyone’s for that matter, ever. If the thought alone repulses you you’re not under any obligation to do anything you don’t want to, whatever anyone says about being ‘open minded’ and sexuality is a ‘spectrum’ -”

 

“Not the point, babe.” Kili said softly. Fili shut up, caught in the act of going on a tangent in the hope it would serve as a distraction.

 

“Look, please don’t be mad,” Kili said quickly, sounding pleading. “I didn’t know they were there, and I didn’t know it was anything private. I just had a look, I didn’t know what it was. Please, don’t be mad.”

 

“I’m not mad,” Fili said, blinking. “But why didn’t you say anything?”

 

“I was waiting for you to. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions or force you to tell me anything you weren’t ready to. For all I knew that makeup could have been from those days you volunteered at the theatre doing the makeup for their productions.”

 

“Costume makeup,” Fili said, a sneer in his voice. “Because that’s all trannies are good for, tacky makeup that belongs on a stage!”

 

“You’re looking for a fight now,” Kili told him. He ran his hands down Fili’s arms, down to his clenched fists, coaxing them open and linking their fingers. “You know I didn’t say that.”

 

Fili slumped, feeling mean and pathetic. What was he doing?

 

“Let it all out but know that it makes no difference to me,” Kili told him. “I love you to the freaking ends of the earth and nothing’s ever going to change that.”

 

“You mean it?” Fili whispered.

 

“Of course.” Kili put his hands on Fili’s face and kissed him.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything,” Fili said. “It’s not that I don’t trust you – I love you. I just –“

 

“No need to explain,” Kili murmured. “And no need to apologise. You never need to apologise to me.”

 

“You know you never have to either,” Fili replied.

 

A thought occurred to him and Fili’s lips quirked up in a impish smile. “Although I may demand an apology for jumping me so shamelessly earlier.”

 

Kili groaned as Fili nipped his neck cheekily. “Don’t remind me, or I may have to do it again.”

 

“Nope, shower time,” Fili sang sweetly, jumping off the bed and out of Kili’s grasping arms.

 

“Minx,” Kili growled, swatting at Fili’s arse as he waggled it in Kili’s direction playfully.

 

“I’ll be getting clean if you need me,” Fili told him.

 

“As if you’d ever be truly clean with that filthy mind of yours,” Kili said from behind him as Fili leaned over to test the temperature of the water from the shower, landing a sharp slap on Fili’s bare arse that made him jump.

 

“Ow!”

 

“Oopsie,” Kili said innocently, as he stepped under the water, his angelic smile turning to a grimace barely a second later. “Eurgh, it’s still cold!”

 

“Karma,” Fili retorted, joining him thirty seconds later under the now-steaming torrent of water. “Fuck I needed that,” he hummed.

 

“You think you did? What about me with your drying cum spattered all over my chest?”

 

“Disgusting,” Fili told him.

 

“I believe you were there when it happened,” Kili reminded him with a wink, and Fili winked back before Kili pushed him to turn the other way. “Let me wash your hair. It’s all sweaty again, and I don’t think you got all the chlorine out the first time.”

 

The shower was longer than either of them expected, as it always was when they washed together. They wrapped towels around themselves and wandered back into their bedroom.

 

“This place is a mess,” Kili commented, rummaging in his drawers from some clothes. “And I’m hungry again.”

 

“Me too,” Fili agreed, copying Kili and pulling on a comfortable pair of joggers and a tshirt. “Guess we should tidy up a bit and make some food.”

 

He spotted the black high heels, lying skewed on their side at the edge of the bed. He picked them up and crossed the room to the wardrobe, placing them next to the other biker boots and work shoes lined up there.

 

Kili smiled and took his hand, tugging him downstairs. “I think I need food first.”


End file.
